Texts from the supermarket
by highfunctioning-homosapien
Summary: John is busy at the clinic and has asked Sherlock to do some shopping. It seems that this is one thing Sherlock isn't a genius at. Credit to Gatiss, Moffat, Conan Doyle etc who own Sherlock.
1. Texts from the supermarket

Sherlock, are you on a case? -JW

No. -SH

Good. Could you get some shopping done then? The fridge is empty except for maybe some body parts -JW

If you're still talking about the head, it's gone and you should know that, as you were the one who threw it in the bin. -SH

Yes well it was starting to… wilt a bit -JW

What shopping do you require me to purchase? –SH

Food. Edible food. Like beans, pasta, bread, milk, maybe some tinned soup that sort of thing -JW

Sherlock? -JW

Yes, John- SH

Have you got the shopping? -JW

Not exactly -SH

Y not? -JW

It's spelled "why". -SH

I don't care can you just go and do it, rather than sulking about or demolishing the house please? -JW

Fine. -SH

Cream of tomato or minestrone? -SH

What? -JW

Soup. Which type. -SH

Oh erm I don't really mind just choose whatever you'd rather have. I'll probably end up trying to get you to eat it anyway -JW

Do we need "farleys rusks"? -SH

No, Sherlock those are for babies. -JW

Why is there so much selection of bread? Does society really need this much choice? -SH

Stop laughing. -SH

How did you? Never mind. Just get Hovis. -JW

Brown, white, seeded, best of both, half loaf or rolls? -SH

You really haven't gone shopping before have you? -JW

Why does it matter? -SH

Surely you can just watch other people and get what they get? -JW

I have been. That's why I asked you about the farleys rusks -SH

Ok well yeah that makes sense -JW

You are using your credit card, right? -JW

You still have mine -SH

Really? Oh yeah sorry. Ok how are you going to pay for the shopping then? -JW

With your credit card. -SH

SHERLOCK NO, STOP STEALING MY CARD -JW

Do you suppose I leave the shopping here, get a cab half way across London, just to retrieve my card form you at the surgery? -SH

Well I suppose not, but just this once. Do not make this into a habit, you hear me? -JW

I can't hear you, but I can read. -SH

Don't be so pedantic -JW

Don't be illogical then. -SH

Shut up and get on with the shopping -JW

Are you still shopping? -JW

Yes. -SH

I'm never asking you again if it takes you over an hour-. Please tell me you're in a long queue? -JW

I'm not in a queue; I'm trying to choose milk that hasn't burst. -SH

Well, just be done by the time I'm out of the surgery ok? -JW

How's the shopping coming along? -JW

It would be much faster if you didn't keep checking up on me every five minutes. -SH

I'm just checking you haven't bought acid instead of cheese or told someone his or her marriage is failing and got yourself an injury -JW

You can buy acid at supermarkets? -SH

No. -JW

There's woman whose marriage is failing. Divorce would upset her two daughters though. She is also worried about her husband finding out about her affair. -SH

Do. not. tell. her. any. of. that. -JW

I'm going to find the medical aisle. -SH

SHERLOCK! I did tell you not to! -JW

Can one use things and pay for them afterwards in supermarkets? -SH

I think so… Why? -JW

I think it's probably better that I use a roll of toilet paper and pay for it later than bleed all over their floors. -SH

Oh god -JW

It's just a nose bleed, I'm fine. -SH

Stop texting me and fix yourself up -JW

Two rolls of toilet paper used, but no bones broken. -SH

Unlike the patient I have here then. Get on with the shopping and try not to insult anymore of the public will you? -JW

I'm only telling them the truth. -SH

Most people don't want to be told the truth. -JW

Most people are idiots. -SH

If you sigh like that, your patient will think that you are bored and probably become embarrassed. -SH

Piss off. -JW


	2. Christmas shopping by texts

Sherlock. have u got any christmas presents yet? –JW

Sherlock? –JW

Yes John. –SH

Did you get my first text? –JW

Yes John. –SH

Y didn't you reply 2 it? –JW

I refuse to reply to texts written without proper grammar and spelling. –SH

Oh for goodness sakes Sherlock stop being a child. have you got presents or not? –JW

"Have" should've had a capital "H". –SH

I don't care. –JW

You should. –SH

Well I don't. Have you or have you not bought presents yet? –JW

What for? –SH

FOR CHRISTMAS SHERLOCK. CHRISTMAS WHICH IS ONLY A WEEK AWAY –JW

No. –SH

Well you'd better hurry up then! –JW

Well what do I get for people anyway? –SH

Please don't tell me you've never got presents before… -JW

So what If I haven't? –SH

Oh lord. OK well I'd come with you but I told Sarah I'd work extra shifts after u dragged me half around London yesterday. And by the way I have a very nasty bruise from when u pushed me off that wall! Anyway U will hav 2 do this by urself –JW

Your speech seems to have deteriorated throughout that text. –SH

Yes I know, my phone only does a certain number of characters before it makes me pay for two texts. I don't want to pay for two texts just to tell you that I'm not coming shopping with you and u'll hav 2 act like a grown man 4 once –JW

I pushed you off that wall so that you weren't shot in the head. –SH

And I thanked you for it but I still have a nasty bruise. -JW

What do you want? –SH

For Christmas? –JW

Yes John, for Christmas. What do you want me to give you? –SH

I don't know. Choose something you think I'd like. –JW

I could get you something from the morgue… -SH

When I said get presents I meant normal presents. From normal shops. That normal people go to. –JW

By the way, pay attention to the "you think I'd like" "I'D LIKE". Not you'd like. Most people don't want a toenail for Christmas. Surprise surprise. –JW

What's a "normal shop" then? –SH

Just go to town and follow other people! I'm busy right now, there's a long queue of people with colds I have to give pills to. –JW

Boring. –SH

Shopping is boring. –SH

Yes well think about how happy people will be when they get their presents. –JW

Still bored. –SH

Yeah I should have thought that through better. Telling a sociopath to think about people's feelings hmm… -JW

Do you think Lestrade will want handcuffs? –SH

What? –JW

They're rubber though. That's just stupid. –SH

Sherlock where are you? –JW

In a shop. I followed someone like you said to, and they went into a shop. I'm not sure if anyone would want anything from here though, there's just lots of women's underwear. –SH

Sherlock are you in a sex shop? –JW

Ah. Yes that's probably where I am. –SH

Stop laughing! –SH

Sorry OK try a bakers for Mycroft and maybe find something small for Donovan, I know you two don't get on but it would be a nice gesture. –JW

I'm not getting anything for either of them. –SH

Yes you are. At least get something for Mycroft, he is your brother after all! And when I say something, I mean something nice. No stinkbombs or anything that can cause him harm. –JW

Fine. –SH

You did bring your own card this time, right? –JW

Yes. –SH

And you are using it? –JW

Well of course, how else am I meant to buy things? Really John. –SH

I just though. Doesn't matter. –JW

I do not steal things. Is that really what you thought? –SH

No no! Ok I've got to go, I'm not on my lunch break anymore. –JW

I'm coming back to Baker Street now. –JW

Fine. –SH

You done the shopping? –JW

Yes. –SH

Oh good. Ok well there's some wrapping paper by the sofa, you can wrap people's presents in that. Make sure you label them too. –JW

Dull. –SH

Don't be childish. –JW

But it's so boring! –SH

Well I'm not doing it for you! And I doubt Mrs. Hudson will! –JW

She is doing it. –JW

Oh Sherlock. That poor woman. You did get her a present right? –JW

I got her some "washing powder" –SH

Right ok expect me back in a couple of hours then, I'm taking a detour to town. –JW

Washing powder is not a good present then? –SH

No. Absolutely not. –JW

I'd advise you to get Lestrade, Mycroft, Mrs. Hudson, And yourself new presents then. –SH

How did you even survive before I lived with you? –JW

You don't need to answer that. –JW


	3. Texts from swapped phones

**Thank you all for the reviews and kind words! This one is a bit short, but I'm working on some more chapters at the same time. I hope you all enjoy! -MG**

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><p>I needed to borrow your phone so I've left mine. You can use that for the time being. -SH<p>

Sherlcok! Why do you need ym phone? -JW

It's for a case. It won't be for long. And my name is spelt "Sherlock" -SH

Fine. Yes I khaki that, it's tour damn phone it's really hard to use. -JW

For you, evidently. -SH

Shut up -JW

I've just realised this private only has 2 numbers in it. -JW

Your point is? -SH

Well what if I want to call sober who isn't you with my phone or your bother? -JW

Who is it that you want to contact? -SH

No-one. It soonest matter. -JW

You really should type slower, your texts aren't particularly hard to decipher, but it does slow me down a little. -SH

You should jar though of that before you took my phone! -JW

I didn't think you would be quite this inept at typing with a different mobile. -SH

I'm not overt! -JW

The irony is overwhelming. -SH

How's the cast going then? -JW

The case is boring. I might need some dinner later. -SH

And you're trekking me that why? -JW

That pasta you made the other day wasn't bad. -SH

Really? Thanks. That doesn't mean I'm mahjong it for you again though! -JW

I'm at Baker Street. Where are you? -SH

I'm getting us chins -JW

I didn't know we were lacking chins. -SH

CHINESE. I'm fetish us chinese. -JW

GETTING us Chinese -JW

What about that case then? How was the guy kissed? -JW

I think you mean killed? Either that or you were thinking of a very different case? -SH

Yes yes I mean kissed. -JW

KILLED -JW

Poisoned coffee. As I thought. -SH

Oh. Poor nugget. -JW

That's a very strange term of endearment. -SH

Poor bugger! I really hate this phone, can we swap back please? -JW

Yes we can. Though it is quite funny to see you struggle with the auto-correct. -SH

It's not funny you Barry. -JW

Who is Barry? -SH

Bastard. Not Barry. -JW

Ok I'll be baud in a monitor can you clear some room on the yale please? -JW

As much as it is pleasant to hear from you brother, I am not in the mood for your games. What is it that you want? -MH

Oh god, sorry Microsoft! Sherlock and I swallowed phones and I can't use jiz very well. -JW

I see. Well I am very busy John. Say hello to my brother from me. -MH

SHERLOCK. I JUST RECTUM YOUR BROTHER BY NOSTRIL. CAN YOU TEXT HIM SORRY FROM ME? ALSO I'LL BE BALD SOON. -JW

Oh I must have turned on cockblock. -JW

If I didn't know how incompetent you were with my mobile, I'd be very worried right now. -SH

Oh for gods sake. Ignore all of that. I'm downstairs. WE. ARE. SWALLOWING. PHONES. -JW

Are we? I wasn't aware. -SH

SHERLOCK -JW

Yes ok, I'll come downstairs now. -SH


	4. Texts from and to friends

**So this got a better response than I'd ever dared hope for, I really can't thank you all enough, though that said, I now have the weight of expectations on my shoulders. I really hope this chapter doesn't disappoint, humor is a difficult thing, especially when you're running out of prompts, but I hope you all enjoy this chapter anyway. (Also speaking of prompts, please feel free to send me any) -MG**

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><p>Can you please tell your brother to stop kidnapping me. I do actually have a phone -JW<p>

He won't listen to me, you know that. -SH

Ugh you two! Your brother's made me late! -JW

Late for what? -SH

You know what. -JW

A lunch date. With a woman named "Emma". -SH

Yes. And I want it to go well, ok? So no calling me half way through lunch asking for me to get your phone from inside the jacket you're wearing. -JW

Wouldn't dream of it. -SH

Could you get me some nicotine patches. I've run out. -SH

Get your own. I thought you had 10 left yesterday? -JW

I did. -SH

It's definitely not healthy to use that many at a time... -JW

"Good news for breathing" -SH

Bad news for my date! I'm nearly there, I mean it sherlock. No. More. Texting! -JW

Fine. -SH

Your date isn't going well, so I am guessing I'm allowed to text you now? -SH

How on Earth could you have known that? -JW

You're on Facebook. No-one goes on Facebook on their phone when they're enjoying someone's company. -SH

Oh fair enough. Wait YOU have Facebook? -JW

Of course not. I'm on yours. I was wondering whether it could be of any help to me. -SH

Sherlock! Get off my Facebook! And don't you dare think of posting anything -JW

Really John, I'm not five years old. -SH

The tantrum you threw the other day suggests otherwise. -JW

It was not a tantrum. I couldn't find my skull. -SH

You chucked a lamp at the wall and kicked over a chair, I'd say that was a tantrum. Anyway just get off my Facebook, please? -JW

What's the point in this website anyway? It's so dull.-SH

John, you've posted about me on here. -SH

Have I? -JW

Yes. "Sherlock is having another tantrum because he's lost his skull, it's like living with a small child who's lost his action man." -SH

"Lestrade likes this"! What else have you been telling the world about me John? -SH

Sherlock, nothing really can we talk about this later? -JW

Fine, but I'm deleting everything you've posted about me on here. -SH

SHERLOCK. -JW

I'm on my way back, I hope you haven't destroyed my computer or anything -JW

You took your time. I'd have thought you would have left earlier. -SH

Yes well you deduced wrong didn't you? -JW

What have you been doing John? -SH

If you must know I got kidnapped. Again. -JW

You really can't go anywhere without me, can you? -SH

Well most of the time it's your fault! -JW

I did say dangerous. -SH

Yes. You did. Actually this time it wasn't specifically your fault. -JW

No? -SH

No. It was a group of fans. What ever happened to admiring quietly from afar? -JW

You should have thought about that before you started writing a blog. -SH

You're still annoyed at me for the Facebook thing aren't you -JW

You were the one who told Mrs. Hudson to hide my skull. -SH

Ah you saw that... Well it was revenge for ruining my best dressing gown. -JW

It was an experiment! -SH

It always is! Why that dressing gown though? What if I get you some nicotine patches on the way home, will you forgive me? -JW

I'd rather some cigarettes. -SH

Your lungs wouldn't. -JW

Fine. -SH

I'm back with the nicotine patches, where are you? -JW

Sherlock? -JW

Sherlock, you alright? -JW

If you don't reply I'm going to call Lestrade. -JW

Ok John! I'm fine. -SH

Where are you? -JW

Doesn't matter. -SH

You're outside the back again aren't you? -JW

Took you long enough. -SH

I thought you were trying to quit smoking! -JW

I got bored. -SH

Well, I don't have anything to do today. We could do something? -JW

What do you have in mind? -SH

How about cluedo? -JW

What is that? -SH

You've never played cluedo! Ok right come back up to the flat, we're playing a board game. -JW

Greg, you owe me a fiver, I've got him to play cluedo. -JW

Really? I'm impressed! Let me know how it goes will you? -GL

I'm starting to think this was a bad idea -JW

Have you lost already? -GL

Let's just say Sherlock and board games don't go well together... -JW

Oh dear, what's he doing? -GL

You don't want to know... -JW

Apparently he has no concept of how to follow rules. -JW

I'm hardly surprised. -GL

He just ripped up the rule sheet! -JW

Oh I wish you were filming this! -GL

Ah. The board is now attached to the wall with a knife. -JW

At least it's not attached to you. -GL

Good point. -JW

If you dare put put any of what just happened anywhere near Facebook, you will never see your precious dressing gowns again. -SH

Point taken. -JW


End file.
